How Coffee Changed My Love Life

A generous but creepy smile painfully stretched across my face as if splitting the staples from a wound.

“Hey dude, how’s the GF?” I spat out, my voice as artificial as my tone. “Sweet! I blurted without waiting for a reply. “The usual? You got it!” “Hazelnut latte, no whip, fat free milk, and a greasy muffin per usual. Does your doctor approve the consumption of shit every morning, Jim!?”

(People cannot function without coffee in my world so Jim didn’t hear a thing, I promise).

To my credit I truly believe my coffee was made in an all-time record breaking stride this day, to say the least, and keep in mind that the order is not complete until the customer walks out the store. So in a flurry I simultaneously snapped the hot beverage into Jim’s lego man palm while giving him a hard shove. I shouted at him “have a wonderful day!” while sipping his scorching hot latte as he stepped on a golden retriever’s paw, contents spilling all over his extra bleached white dress shirt. But don’t worry, they only notice these things once the caffeine kicks in.

For the next few hours, several more waves of zombies queued up with sunken-deep eyes rolled back in their sockets.

I then hit the part of my shift where life seems to be deteriorating. Anyone?

Suddenly, I noticed something peculiar…

A young lady walked into the crowd with such vibrant colors emanating from her entire being that I dropped an entire tray of fresh baked pastries. Glazed puffs and buttery muffins rolled away from my leather Chucks as the glaze from my eyes began to gather.

Intuitively, I know that staring at women can be a tricky feat but I felt it was the right thing to do at the time..

The customer in front of me winced sharply at me. Heck! I was locked in and completely unaware of my facial expression but who cares, it just feels right. There’s something special about this moment and it was rather strange.

Our eyes met…

Electricity tingled through me. Our smile synchronized slowly and suddenly everything else in my life became irrelevant.

“Just black, no room,” the angel harped.

I’m just noticing that she’s brunette, her style is urban, her pink cap paints an overcast shade on her fair skin, cheeks kissed with faint blush.

My heart dropped from my chest, “God, she’s so classy,” I thought.

“But can’t you order a more complex formula so I can stall some time-” did I just say that out loud!? 

“Pardon?” She queried with a endearing giggle.

“Shit….Um, well, yuh know, the zombie apocalypse is next in line and you’re obviously human so…yeah,” I stammered.

Wait!-An epiphany hit me hard-what if I never see her again? Will this be my only impression on her? Will I just be forgotten?

-I immediately snapped from my shitty existence-

“Quick question: Why straight black?” I asked with conviction.

“Because it gets straight to the point. What people consider as coffee is similar to sugarcoating the truth, you’ll understand when you get older.” She replied with a soft smirk.

Geez, didn’t expect her to be so philosophically deep but she’s playing with me! I laughed inside. Not sure what got into me at that moment but I placed my hand ever so gently on hers, “Well I can be sweet at times, leave a little room for me,” said as calmly as a dog in heat.

Her lashes fell lightly as she glanced toward our touch.

I could’ve sworn there were visible vibes between our bodies now. The tension was unbearable.

Then she spoke, “if I come back for another cup I might be more inclined,” she cooed.

By this time the whole store was watching us like Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

I withdrew my crying hand and simply said, “I can respect that.” She turned away with smiling eyes this time.

“For future reference, just know that I’m a backwards woman, I like to get coffee last.”

I collapsed onto the cream puffs and muffins lying on the floor, drenched in sweat, my pants swimming. With that, she walked out of my life. What a woman!